{"id":288832,"date":"2023-05-13T09:59:07","date_gmt":"2023-05-13T08:59:07","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/app.unio-preparation.com\/blog\/lovers-and-parents-mission-impossible\/"},"modified":"2024-05-29T16:35:29","modified_gmt":"2024-05-29T15:35:29","slug":"lovers-and-parents-mission-impossible","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/app.unio-preparation.com\/en\/lovers-and-parents-mission-impossible\/","title":{"rendered":"Lovers AND parents: mission impossible?"},"content":{"rendered":"\t\t
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Lovers AND parents :
mission impossible?<\/h1>\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t
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with Margellina Kerjoant<\/div>\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t
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We’re hearing more and more about the“baby clash<\/strong>“: the crisis in a couple’s relationship that goes hand in hand with the arrival of a child.<\/div>\n
But if the expression is used all the time, what reality does it really cover? What are the causes, and how can you make the most of your baby’s arrival<\/strong>?<\/div>\n
Margellina Kerjoant, couple psychotherapist for over 15 years, answers our questions.<\/div>\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t
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\ud83d\udca1 While the arrival of a first child will obviously turn your daily life as a couple upside down, having a discussion together beforehand about your expectations will enable you to
\n be clear about the family you want to create together<\/a>
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The statistics on the rate of separation of couples in the year following the birth of their first child are terrifying.\nWithout going so far as to talk about separation, is baby clash a phenomenon you see a lot of in your patients? \n<\/h3>\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t
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It’s a phenomenon I’ve begun to observe fairly recently, I’d say around 2020: that’s not to say that everything was perfect before, but the term didn’t exist, and couples consulted less for it.\nToday I receive many more.<\/p>\n\n

This evolution is probably due to the fact that speech is freer, but perhaps also to the fact that I believe there is increasing pressure to be “perfect parents<\/strong>“.\nI’ll come back to this later, but I think the term itself is double-edged: it can create counterproductive anxiety in future or young parents.<\/p>\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t

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What does this \"baby clash\" actually look like?\n\n<\/h3>\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t
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This corresponds to a period when there is no longer any quality of bond or dialogue between parents.\nThe bond is severed<\/strong>, replaced by blame, withdrawal, resentment…<\/p>\n\n

There are as many different situations as there are couples<\/strong>The father may feel excluded from this new duo, either because the mother doesn’t trust him enough to give him a role with the baby, or because he’s not invested enough, or not in the way the mother would like.<\/p> \n\n

This creates a lot of frustration and disappointment, and if it’s not expressed in a functional way, resentment builds insidiously month after month. Each one holds more and more grudges against the other, creating a vicious circle.<\/p>\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t

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How long does it last on average? <\/h3>\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t
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\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\tThe duration of this crisis is totally variable, depending on what the couple does with it.\n\nIt lasts until the couple take matters<\/strong> into their own hands and look for a solution.\nIf this is not the case, this crisis can unfortunately lead to a rupture.\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t
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What do you think are the main causes?<\/h3>\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t
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The first question to ask is to take stock of the state of the relationship before the baby’s birth: it’s often the pre-existing fragilities that crystallize with the arrival of the child.<\/p>\n\n

In any case, when a baby arrives, the duo’s organization becomes obsolete, and a new one has to be recreated<\/strong>. In reality, mental workloads and tasks are not necessarily divided perfectly 50\/50. \nIt’s OK if communication is fluid, if everyone takes responsibility for their needs and expresses them<\/strong>. Without real communication, on the other hand, this new organization and these new constraints can insidiously create resentment on one side or the other, or both.<\/p>\n\n

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