Relationships: discover the 10 relationship enemies to avoid at all costs
But what are these enemies of the couple that you need to protect yourself from in order to enjoy a peaceful and happy relationship over the long term?
The list of potential dangers to a love story is long and by no means exhaustive, but in this article we’ve listed 10 of the most common enemies of the couple, and of course how to guard against them.
💡 To delve even deeper into the subject, check out our full article, featuring our
best practical tips for an even more fulfilling married life
.
Table of contents
1 - Lack of attention or indifference
How lack of attention is an enemy of the couple
It can take many forms in a couple’s relationship: one or the other no longer takes the initiative, no longer shares intimacy, no longer really listens, no longer confides in others, no longer notices physical or psychological changes in their partner…
How to avoid it?
- Here are a few ways to avoid this enemy of the couple:
- ➡️ Notice with gratitude everything everyone does for the relationship, and so take nothing for granted. If this isn’t your habit, it should be a real conscious effort at first to change your filter on your partner.
- ➡️ Communicate this gratitude to others.
- ➡️ Make the decision to pay more attention to what the other person is feeling, experiencing, talking about… and show it through small gestures.
- ➡️ If indifference is already present, discuss its possible causes: weariness, fatigue, desire for solitude…
2 - Grudge or resentment
How resentment is a danger to the couple
The causes can be many: unaccepted behavior, a feeling of not having been listened to, an unmet need… and it creates very unpleasant emotions.
The number of arguments does not correlate with the strength of the couple. Building a couple involves learning to “argue well”, to say things, to avoid accumulating tension and resentment.
A repressed emotion doesn’t disappear, but grows and sooner or later emerges in a form that is not always appropriate for the relationship.
How do you get rid of them?
- Here are some ways to deal with this resentment:
- ➡️ Have an open discussion on the subject rather than “business as usual”.
- ➡️ Understand what happened when the “damage” was done.
- ➡️ For the person who caused the harm, apologize in appropriate language.
- ➡️ For the person who has “suffered” the wrong, decide if he or she wishes to forgive.
In the
session 5 of the Unio
course, we take you by the hand to learn how to argue properly, how to repair the bond after an argument, and how to avoid generating resentment.
3 - Living side by side, not together
Why is it an enemy of the couple?
It can feel like we spend a lot of time together, and yet share nothing.
Now we only talk about logistics
How to protect yourself?
- ➡️ Plan quality time together: from the simplest (a few minutes’ stroll) to the most important (a romantic weekend away), depending on the situation. The important thing is to have your attention 100% focused on each other, so exclude all distractions (telephone, children…) during these moments.
- ➡️ Turning everyday moments into real moments of exchange (for example, taking advantage of the time to hang out the washing to tell each other about your day).
4 - Poor communication
How poor communication is a pitfall for couples
It’s probably the most common piece of advice given to young lovers: “communication is THE key to a good relationship”.
OK, but what does it really mean? And more specifically, what is poor communication?
-
This can be done in several ways:
- The dialogue was broken by an event that damaged the emotional connection.
- One or the other feels uncomfortable, or no longer comfortable, discussing all subjects (sexuality, money, in-laws…).
- One or the other doesn’t feel listened to, or no longer feels listened to.
- You prefer to “sweep complex issues under the carpet” rather than discuss them.
How to protect yourself?
👉 Our advice?
Carry out an
active listening session (dedicated article)
. If you don’t know what it is and how to set it up, we’ll guide you step by step in the blog post dedicated to this tool for a satisfying relationship.
Objective:
5 - Lack of a shared vision
How is it an enemy of the couple?
- The shared vision of a couple is essential for building a lasting relationship and brings many things together:
sharedvalues, long-term projects... and even more philosophical subjects such as :
- The vision of life you share
- The role you wish to play as a couple around you: in your close circle, but also more widely in society.
It is a compass, a strong cement for being a harmonious couple. It gives meaning to the life you share.
The problem:
When a couple doesn’t have one, or doesn’t have one any more, it’s all about day-to-day issues like logistics, running the household, problems at work… which can put the couple in difficulty.
How to protect yourself?
This will give a real boost to your relationship so that you can live happily together!
6 - Negative talk about the relationship
How is this speech a problem for the relationship?
So ask yourself: when you talk about your relationship with friends or family, are you complaining about your partner? Or, on the contrary, to recount beautiful memories we’ve shared together?
You can be generally well in your relationship and still have a rather negative attitude towards it (this bias may be due to your upbringing, for example). Be careful: in the long term, believing that the grass is always greener elsewhere is a real danger to your relationship!
How to protect yourself?
- Here are a few tips to help you avoid this pitfall:
- ➡️ Realize that what you see and fantasize as positive in other couples is only a small and biased view of reality: you don’t know everything they’re going through or have gone through.
- ➡️ Make your own the mantra “the grass is not greener elsewhere, it’s greener where it’s watered” (and share it with your loved one).
- ➡️ Make a conscious note of all the positive things in your life together. If this doesn’t come naturally, you can do it academically by creating a routine: buy a nice little notebook, and every morning or evening write down something positive about your partner or your relationship.
7 - Routine
How is it an enemy of the couple?
Episode 7 of “l’espace du couple” (The couple’s space) is excellent on this subject.
Where it’s a problem: when she takes up all the space, and that’s all there is to your relationship: no more fun, no more unexpected… In some cases, it can destroy desire, seduction and complicity…
How to protect yourself?
- Taking the bull by the horns! Specifically:
- ➡️ Ask yourself: at the start of our relationship, what was exciting? What did we like to do together that was out of the ordinary?
- ➡️ Ask yourself: when was the last time we did something crazy as a couple? What has stopped us from doing it again? How can we remove this obstacle?
- ➡️ Roll up your sleeves and plan your next activity together. In need of inspiration? You’ll probably find them in our 60 date ideas guide (bonus: they’re sorted by mood and month of the year + we’ve got a printable planner to get you started right away).
8 - Having unrealistic expectations
Why these expectations are problematic
They’re influenced by your history, your personality, but also by your definition of a couple, itself formed by social constructs, films…
- The problem? These standards are often impractical and therefore destructive:
- “A happy couple has a constant, hyper-strong desire”.
- “A good couple doesn’t argue”.
- “With the right person, everything becomes simple”.
How to protect yourself?
Realize that what happens in the movies has nothing to do with reality: being a couple in real life is full of shades of gray!
The right person is the one you choose to walk with, through the good times and the not-so-good, committed to keeping your hand steady through life’s turbulence.
9 - Too much merging
How is it an enemy of the couple?
In the collective imagination, the ideal couple is still largely a fusional couple: happy couples do everything together, make decisions systematically together…
In real life, too much fusion can create the risk of suffocation.
It’s up to you to find your own balance between what therapists Carolle and Serge Vidal-Graf call “inspiration-fusion” and “expiration-separation” (in their book Couple rêve couple réel: de l’état amoureux à l’amour). Just as you need two breathing cycles to live, a couple needs a succession of moments of fusion and separation.
How to protect yourself?
- Here are several steps to take if you feel that this enemy is stalking you:
- ➡️ Take a very objective look at the subject together: what is the ratio of time spent together or apart? Are there enough moments in your lives dedicated to experiencing things separately, with other people or alone?
- ➡️ If this balance doesn’t suit you: how can you concretely create these moments?
- Let’s take an example: you were a fan of hiking in the mountains when you met your boyfriend. Since then, you’ve put this passion aside, because it’s really not his thing. it’s time to breathe new life into the flame within you. In concrete terms :
- How to take the time? Are there any organizational issues involved (e.g. childcare)?
- Is there anyone in my circle other than my partner with whom I can share this?
- …
After all, when he chose you, it was also because you were passionate, wasn’t it?
10 - Hyperconnection
How is it an enemy of the couple?
We don’t need to spell it out for you: the telephone in bed, at the dinner table, professional e-mails at the weekend… are a real poison for married life.
- Why?
- Because you’re wasting a lot of time scrolling around that you could be spending in love.
- Because hyperconnection often prevents you from giving your full attention and listening.
- Because screens unfortunately often replace other forms of intimacy in the bedroom
How to protect yourself?
- For example:
- ➡️ No screens in the bedroom
- ➡️ No phones at the table
Being a happy couple requires a little effort!
Conclusion
This list is by no means exhaustive, and above all, it’s not intended to be alarming or guilt-inducing: no couple is perfect, and if you find yourself in some of these enemies of the couple, it’s perfectly normal.
How?
- Read this article together
- Identify the 2 relationship enemies that you believe pose the greatest threat to your relationship
- Discuss the solutions proposed for each one and decide which ones you’d like to implement!
Don’t hesitate to tell us in the comments how it went!
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